Generic message for online dating

If I didn’t have corrective contact lenses, I wouldn’t have even been able to see them. But whatever, you get my point.) These messages were like these little lifesavers thrown out to me, a person who was drowning in a cesspool of filth and sewage water, only to be just as quickly cast aside because, even though they were nice enough, relatively speaking, the guys who sent them were fifty-two years old or were self-described “fitness models” or went by the user name “Lets Fck Around.”Look, I know it isn’t easy out there for dudes, either. So guys have some pressure—they’re the ones who have to “make a move” and then just wait while my friends and I gasp and laugh and email each other the complete garbage they’ve just sent us. I am interested in the grouping and analysis of small disasters.I would feel bad, except that the authors of the messages that provoke that kind of reaction most certainly do not give a fuck. Because they sent that same exact masturbatory-ass message to me AND two of my friends. So I’ve come up with a few categories of messages that you’re liable to receive if you find yourself being simultaneously female and in possession of an online dating profile.

However, I’ve since met some very nice ISTJs so I will give you a chance ;) Are you a standup comedian or do you like to make people laugh in a more natural setting? It’s the outline of a polite question distilled by highly corrosive acid and then sprayed into my face with a high-powered hose. I know this was a surprise to many of these messages’ authors, because I could see them returning to my profile for days afterward, checking to see if I’d been online.

I say “apparently” because I wouldn’t have known this was the case had I not signed up for Ok Cupid along with Jenna, and later my other friend Rylee, and watched with horror as our inboxes filled up with a not insubstantial number of the very same messages from the very same users. Aside from the fact that I can’t imagine what one does to earn “kick ass” status as a son and a brother, this guy said he’d like for us to “get to know each other,” but then went on to describe only himself. Does he even care if I’m a kick-ass daughter and sister?? “Hello, so now I’m wondering how to entice a beautiful girl into responding to my email.

I might have noticed that there was something suspiciously hollow and generic about these messages, but I would have allowed my belief in the good of humanity to overrule the idea that anyone could be so gross as to think that blanket dating messages could work. I realize that these young men probably don’t consider the fact that the women they’re messaging might have persuaded a few of their friends to suffer along with them, and that in doing so they will surely be comparing messages. i must say that you seem like an intresting person from what i can tell from reading your profile and i would like to get to know you alittle better. Hmm, maybe bribe her with the option of cooking food for her, starting with something grilled or possibly stir fried.

May God have mercy on our souls, and may whoever invented the backhanded compliment as flirting tactic (damn you, popular MTV pickup artist Mystery!

) be slowly roasted in a stew of his own fedoras, watched over by the legions of women who have to try to figure out why this person who ostensibly wants to date them just called them “pretty but not in an intimidating way.” 1.

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But I also knew that if I really wanted to meet someone as much as I was saying I did, I might have to step outside my Comfort Zone, which is what I call my flannel pajamas, and into the big, hopeful, scary world of Internet dating. My friend Jenna came over on a Wednesday night, because it was February first, and we decided that something like this should happen on a first day of the month. I mean, yes, technically I’m five-eleven and a half, but I’m not going to round up to six feet online, am I? I checked out the profile of the guy who’d messaged me—tall, dorky, kind of funny—and though I didn’t find him all that attractive, I impulsively decided to chat with him anyway. On the first day of online dating, that is sort of all you really need. I think I was just overwhelmed by how much it took me back to middle school, flirting (well, talking) with boys on AIM for the first time. ” Everyone was always telling me that, if nothing else, having an online dating profile would be a confidence booster because of all the flattering messages I’d receive. Of the many, many things that my messages could have been called, “flattering” is not one of them.

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